Finding peace…

On By Lauren Scott, AuthorIn Discussion, Poetry

Dear Friends,

I hope you’re doing well. Our family has been spending as much time as possible with my father-in-law who is nearing the end of his life. He is on hospice, living in a lovely facility with the best care. It has been difficult to witness his body failing, but the silver lining is that spending more time with him has been a gift – these moments have given us room to prepare for the inevitable. When he is lucid on occasion, the gift is even greater.

Writing poetry during my break has been soothing. This surreal experience has been emotional for all of us, but if it inspires me to write, my husband feels it’s a beautiful thing. I was motivated to try a Haibun for the first time after reading D.L. Finn’s gorgeous poetry book, Deep in the Forest Where Poetry Blooms. I loved her collection and will share a review and a couple others in the next few weeks.

This piece may not qualify as a Haibun, but it’s a beginning…

The Last Days

The outdoor temperature feels like a summer day in August though ghosts and goblins lurk around the bend. The orange ball shines brilliantly lighting up the clear blue sky. But inside his room, death awaits in the corners – a dreary atmosphere until we turn on lights to uplift our spirits. Classical music drifts out the windows, swirling around the trees and gardens still bursting with reds and oranges. Photos of family and friends, and ball caps from favorite sports teams embellish the bare white walls.

He lies in bed each day, body frail. A vision we hope will fade over time. A vision contrasting to the man who hiked mountains. The small clock ticking on the bedside table and the calendar hanging on the wall irrelevant. His words, an untranslatable language. His appetite, diminished, but it’s time for breakfast, so we pull the lids from each tub. He slightly opens his mouth like a mama bird feeds her chick, and we gently hold the spoon so he can take in tiny bites of pureed eggs and oatmeal. The tubs still look full, but so is his stomach. Sleep calls him. His chest slowly moves up and down with soft breaths. We stretch out this moment, then we lay a kiss on his forehead, tell him that we love him and that we’ll see him later. We steal one more glance at Dad, then we slowly walk out the door with tears struggling for freedom.

a routine until
he slowly draws his last breath
preparing our hearts

**A Haibun is a combination of prose and haiku, and usually includes autobiography, diary, essay, prose poem, short story, or travel journal.

© Lauren Scott, Baydreamerwrites.com – All rights reserved.

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116 thoughts on “Finding peace…”

  2. D.L. Finn, Author's avatar D.L. Finn, Author

    Wow, that is powerful and heartwrenching, Lauren. You captured that moment we treasure, each minute extra we are given with a loved one. Sending love and hugs to you and your family. Xo

    1. Thanks for your wonderful words, Denise, and for inspiring me to try another form of poetry. I’ve written several shadorma and haiku, but this haibun was good to try. And thanks for the love and hugs too. I appreciate them. ❤️

  4. So sorry to learn about your father-in-law, Lauren. Memories of my mom and my grand-parents come to mind. You’ve expressed this sorrowful time so beautifully and elegantly. Sending peace and comfort to you and your family.

    1. Thanks so much for your compassionate words, Mike, and I hope I didn’t stir up tough memories. My parents passed within a week’s time at 90 & 97, not much suffering. So this experience has been surreal. Thanks again! ❤️

  9. Reliving caring for my husband during his last days. Comforted knowing he believed in the Lord & Eternity where he will frolic in his young, vibrant body forever!

  10. Awwww 🥺 I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. It’s so very difficult to lose a loved one. You expressed this sad and sorrowful time exquisitely. Sending Love and Hugs 💕🙏💕

      3. Ahh, that’s really tough Lauren. Feel for your family and you. We saw that with my father. It’s a strange feeling to pray for mercy, to pray for an end. The thing I told myself was just what you said, that he wouldn’t want to live like that and that he would be in a better place. Hope that doesn’t come across odd.

      4. Not odd at all, Brian, and you said it well. It’s a surreal ‘place’ to be in, to pray for a smooth transition that comes soon, so the lingering doesn’t last. I’m sorry you went through this with your father too. I appreciate your understanding.

  14. Aww, dear Lauren.. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. that was a very touching and poignant write my friend.. Beautifully written.. I had not heard of Haibun poetry before… Sending you lots of love as you share your lasting memories with your father-in-law.. ❤ 🙏

    1. Thanks so much, Sue. I appreciate your beautiful words and love. And I’m glad you found my Haibun to be touching and poignant. Writing has been the best means during this time. Sending hugs and love to you, my friend. xoxo

  16. My heart goes out to all of you,Lauren. I wasn’t with my Dad when he passed, but I was with Mom. My brother and I called siblings, some of whom had been by her side for days and had to leave town to return to work, so that they could say goodbye. Definitely tender moments.

  20. Hi Lauren, you have written a beautiful haibun about this difficult time. You are very strong and supportive, I must admit that when Terence’s grandmother passed I only went into the hospital ward for a short period. I no longer deal well with hospitals. They overwhelm and distress me.

    1. Thanks for your lovely words, Robbie. I think we all know what we can deal with and that’s okay. Someone else will take the lead. I get teary-eyed when I see him because he’s failing, slowly, and lingering, and it’s heartbreaking. But we’re there for him. You’ve also been through a lot in hospitals, so your reaction is understandable. ❤️

  26. Hard times. So many of us in our age are going through this with our parents, but I know that doesn’t make it easier for you. Just know that we understand these difficult days. Your poem is really lovely, Lauren.

    1. You’re right, Anneli. Many are going through the same thing, and as much as each time with him is precious, we didn’t want him to suffer and linger. He wouldn’t want to live this way. Thank you about the poem too and for your compassion. ❤️

  29. Oh, Lauren… tears in my eyes reading this. You paint such a vivid picture of this in-between time and the heavy weight it brings, mixed with moments of lightness. The ending is incredibly poignant and meaningful to me (as it all is); I recall so often those last glances back, wondering if indeed they would be the final ones.

    Love and blessings to you, your husband and family as you navigate this precious and hard time together. 💙

    1. Hi Steve, thanks so much for your compassionate words. Writing during my break really helped, and even the last few days, he’s been unresponsive. So his time his near and so are the tears. We know many families go through this experience, but this is a first for us and it’s surreal and heartbreaking. Waiting for someone to pass away, well, I can’t even put that into words. Anyway, thank you for the love and blessings and for your friendship here in blogland. I’ll visit you soon, and enjoy your weekend ahead. ❤️

      1. It’s such a tough thing to go through, Lauren, though it sounds like you are approaching it with love, grace, togetherness and appreciation for the moments, and what they bring. Your memories of this time will be of help to you as you move through the next stages… be well, friend. ❤️

  33. Heartbreaking beautiful Lauren. I’m sending you the love and fortitude to get through this sad time of saying goodby and being an angel at his side. Hugs and love and beautiful halibun. We are soon crossing that bridge with my FIL but I hope later than sooner. xo ❤️🙏🏼💔

    1. Thanks for your wonderful, compassionate words, Cindy! And I hope ‘later’ for your FIL’s passing. It’s any day for Wil, but it will be a blessing even though we’ll mourn our loss. He wouldn’t want to live in this condition and he is 100 1/2 years old. We hope for peace soon. Hugs and love to you too, dear friend. 🩷🩷🩷

  35. It’s a tough time for you and your loved ones but such a special time as well…
    A time to be together and rejoice of the breath we take as a family.
    Very nice writing Lauren, we can feel the love and the pain, but the love is always stronger.
    And having time to say goodbye is precious too. ❤️❤️

    1. Hi Marie, thanks so much for your lovely and compassionate comment. Each moment with him is precious until his time comes…
      we know that having time to say goodbye is special.
      Sending love and hugs, my friend. 🩷

  37. Dear Lauren,

    I have lots of empathy for you in your situation.
    I moved to Winnipeg for 3 months while my mother died.
    I was there for my mother-in-law & father-in-law in their last days and in the end.

    There is no sugar coating.
    There is however, your poetry, enriched by one more of life’s experiences.

    I knew something big was happening when I read the post after this. I’m working backwards… as usual.

    I wish there was more I could say.
    I do send hugs and love to you and all your family who are broken hearted at this time.
    -Resa xoxo 💔💓💓

    Ps. The Haibun is perfect to me!

    1. Hi Resa, you’ve been through the same thing several times, so you know how it feels. I appreciate your honesty and kind words about my poetry. Writing inspiration flows from all emotions in life. There are no words, I understand. This is part of life for many of us – we are not alone in this surreal experience. Thanks for the hugs and love. That means a lot. ❤️🙏🏻

  38. Amazing blog post Lauren. I am ad that you are spending as much time as possible with your Father-in-law and may God heal his frail body very quickly, family is everything♥♥🙏🙏

    Take care , sending love to your family and have a great day my friend💯🙌

  43. Dearest Lauren, I became increasingly emotional reading this beautiful piece; such a beautiful dedication to your father-in-law in his remaining time with you. Your words immediately drew me back to my own family’s time shared with our parents, who truly loved through their living, their teachings, their love and devotion. In my own way, what you have shared may well be my most favoured of your writings. I wish you and your husband many blessings through memories, through the healing process and always.

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