His name was Ed

Ed
blackened heart
domineering thumb
nowhere to breathe, trying times
~ etched ~

Green
a monster
too old to believe?
his existence, living proof
~ ire ~

Me
raised to love
but heart feels deeply
ill-fitted antipathy
~ blunt ~

Health
declines, death,
emotions bland as
salt-free diet, tears restrained
~ guilt ~

Lauren Scott ©
Oddquain poetry form

This post is darker than most of mine, but life isn’t always rosy, so writing about those difficult times when we question our feelings can be therapeutic. Have you found yourself in a similar situation?

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For inspiration to notice surrounding beauty, to feel gratitude, to face challenges and fears while sipping your favorite coffee roast or another beverage of your choice, check out my latest book: More than Coffee.

A Text in Seconds

My thoughts on Sunday, April 25th, 2021…

Dear Mom, I know you’re listening from above, so I need you to know that I’m sorry for moving in and out of the house so many times, for putting you through that emotional turmoil. Although, I couldn’t have known back then what you were feeling, but I understand now. I realize how much your heart ached. The emptiness, the thought of your youngest leaving the nest. The strong wish to protect and keep me safe. I’m walking in those shoes now, dealing with the discomfort, and honestly, it’s not a trip to Disneyland. But I know in time, the discomfort will lessen. I don’t think it will ever disappear for good, but I know I’ll feel more at peace as the calendar pages flip.

Those were the days when my parent’s door was revolving – when I strived to find my way into the vast world outside of their home. Today, our youngest, our son, left home for the first time. Not for college, not for his internship, but for a taste of independence. The caveat is that his apartment is across the country. He’ll live closer to our daughter and son-in-law who also live on the east coast. And while this fact brings joy, I still wish their paths could have been paved on the west. Maybe someday. Or maybe, we’ll uproot and head east. The future remains a giant neon question mark.

The weekend prior to his leaving was spent with the three of us, my husband, him, and I celebrating this new adventure, as well as ours as empty nesters. Great food and wine, nostalgic conversation that at times provoked tears. Then today came. We knew it was inevitable. The day that he would begin his drive across country alone. Fortunately, his first day of driving would only be four hours, so he didn’t have to leave early in the morning. This gave him time to relax, to take one more look around the house and make sure he packed everything he needed, and to walk our dog with me one last time. He has never liked being in photos, but since this occasion rings differently in that he’s moving away, he conceded to selfies of the both of us once we reached the top of the hill, along with photos of him and his lab.

Then just as he was about to start his car for the first leg of his journey, we took selfies of the three of us: mom, dad, son. Smiles, funny expressions, all concealing the tears of what was about to come, the hugs and the “see you later.” Talk about emotions! But we got through it, and then we watched him back out of the driveway and wave to us as he rolled down the street, embarking on this exciting journey. My husband and I let the tears flow in the drama of the moment.

The pros of technology come in handy when our son can send a text in seconds, telling us that he arrived safely. Those few words including “love you all” with a heart emoji allows us to breathe again. That was his first drive. Day One. He’ll have six days of driving across country where the seventh will be the day he is handed his new apartment keys. A moment of joy, celebration, adult independence, but also nostalgia, knowing he’ll miss us, his dog, and his childhood home. It was tough for our Labrador because his doggie brain doesn’t understand the words his brother says to him. Giving those last hugs to his chocolate lab tugged at the heart. If only our beloved pets could speak our language. During the day, our lovable lab meandered into our son’s room. I have no doubt, he not only sensed his brother’s absence, but he sensed something had changed today. As smart as our furry family member can be, I’m sure he felt the profoundness of it all.

The quiet in the house is LOUD, but we know with time, the volume will soften into a sense of normalcy. Walking into his bedroom, the bare walls and empty shelves incite a wave of emotions that hit me like a tsunami. As we anticipated the day he would leave, we selfishly begged for time to slow down. Now, moving through the week to day 5, he is on his way to visit his sister and brother-in-law. We are thrilled that our kids will get a chance to visit. But we also wish for time to speed up, for him to safely arrive at his new home, the final stop on the road trip.

Two more days to go. I have never felt such an affinity for my cell phone before as I wait for his text messages to ping each evening. The tears flow less frequently now that he is over the hump of the week, but they’re still very much present, finding their freedom every now and then. They fall out of joy, from missing him, and from unleashing the tenacious worry. I feel as if I’m holding my breath while he continues to blaze through the many state lines. I’ll be able to exhale once he arrives and embraces those keys in his hand.

On the opposite side of the emotional spectrum, we are so proud of him, so excited for him to walk through the door of this new chapter. It’s what we’ve always wanted but knowing the moment of him leaving home would render tears and emptiness, too.

Eventually, my husband and I will embrace this empty nest for the precious gift it is to us now as a couple, and for what it means regarding our children – a gift from them as they are able to live life to the fullest in their adult years. We will find our new rhythm through the new empty nest chapter in our family story. And we couldn’t be more excited to make memories in their new homes. Let the journey continue!

I posted about this soon after he moved out, but It’s been over a year now. He’s settled into his new life and so have we. Between flights, phone calls, and texts, we stay connected. Yes, we miss him as much as we miss our daughter, but the silver lining is that they’re living their lives, spreading their wings, the natural progression of life. We couldn’t be prouder.

Lauren Scott © ❤️
If you can relate to this scene,
the “see you later”, the emotions,
and new life chapter,
I’d love to hear about it.

If only…

Hearts can shatter if beaten down.
Souls can be crushed if pounded.
Judging others isn’t a right.
People should be allowed to live
the life they were intended.
Why is violence the solution
for those who loathe

a culture or religion?
Special nuances making up
each of us are nobody’s business.
Differences afford knowledge.
Opening our hearts and minds,
what a beautiful world…If only.
How drab the vision
outside our windows would look

if we were identical in every minute
aspect of our inner and outer selves.
Your world, My world,
would turn colorless.
Respecting and accepting:
unoriginal, but words repeated
again and again
until the narratives and visuals
transform.
No one deserves to live
beneath a cloud of pretense
in youth or adulthood.
We all should have the freedom
to live within the arms of truth.
I can only imagine how invisible scars
can create hell for the heart.
Love should be universal throughout
and shouldn’t acquiesce temper.
Love should remain the center
of everyone.
But has kindness and compassion
been shoved under the bus?
Injustice equals disgust.

Lauren Scott (c)

Behind Closed Doors – Book Review

Today, I have the pleasure of introducing you to Robbie Cheadle, a wonderful poet and author of children’s books, paranormal historical, and supernatural fantasy. She is also a prolific baker of delicious cakes that she includes in her books and blog posts. I thoroughly enjoyed her poetry book, Behind Closed Doors.

Behind Closed Doors by Robbie Cheadle is a collection of various style poems such as freeform, tanka, haiku, and limerick. Robbie touches on many aspects of life evoking a myriad of emotions. She writes beautifully with strong convictions about marriage, motherhood, dreams, her struggles of working in the corporate world, living in lockdown during the pandemic, and about social issues she finds distressing. Whether her words speak of joy or anguish, they are fiercely passionate.

I personally connected to “Contrasting Colors” because of my strong marriage and relationship with my husband. Robbie creates a lovely metaphorical comparison between her and her husband, showing just how much they complement each other. I really liked the format of this poem. In “He Walks Away” her words paint the picture of her son who is no longer the little boy whose mom’s kisses cured all pain, but a young man who she will need to let go for him to find his way in the world. As an empty nester, my heart felt her bittersweet emotions.

Environmentally, I was drawn to “I saw a fish a-swimming” and “If the polar icecaps doth melt.” Robbie emphasizes the tragic effects of global warming not only on the planet, but on living creatures. She writes with concern and compassion, and some poems are written as twisted limericks bearing nothing but the truth. My stomach felt just as twisted after reading these powerful reminders. But even in trying times, Robbie includes, “Can you see the butterflies?” This poem offers delightful imagery, imploring the reader to dash outside in that very moment to embrace nature’s beauty.

I highly recommend Behind Closed Doors for fans who revel in finding themselves relating to the messages or scenarios, therefore sinking into the deeper meanings.

Thank you for stopping by, and I hope you’ll pick up a copy of Robbie’s book. Simply click on “Buy on Amazon” below the image. You can also visit Robbie at her blog: https://robbiesinspiration.wordpress.com/

~Lauren Scott ❤️

A Proud Peacock

An unfamiliar word in her circle
she didn’t wish for knowledge,
but her circle was not so durable.
For now, she was aware

of the bitter emotions
tailing it like a hungry stray,
the hit to self-esteem
the “did I say something?”
Loneliness puffed up
like a proud peacock.

She held awareness
in the palm of her hand

pained to know such a
two-syllable word.

Lauren Scott (c) 2021

Tiny Nuances

The circle stretches miles long
Hands held, leaving no room
Baring the strength of steel

Some things cannot be forced
Tiny nuances glow in time
The truth, clear as pure water

Emotions flood out
Frenzied with freedom
The agony is extreme

Floatingdown, down
Falling reckless
Into arms open wide

To guide and to calm
Into moving forward

The circle remains as
is

Lauren Scott (c) 2020

My Version, Untitled

When emotions are
exhausted again, I find
myself at home, alone,
closing all windows, then
stopped in the middle of
the hallway, I scream at
a volume that causes the
Golden Gate to shudder in
acknowledgement.
A moment for prayer.

Lauren Scott © 2018

Inspired by Margaret L. Mitchell’s poem:

Sometimes,
when it is all, finally,
too much,
I climb into my car,
roll the windows up,
and somewhere between
backing out of the driveway
and rounding the first corner
I let out a yell
that would topple Manhattan.
How do you pray?

***Thank you for your compassionate words, thoughts,
and prayers from my prior post. All is better for now,
and we live one day at a time as each day is a gift…
I was talking to my pastor the other day, and she
sent me Margaret Mitchell’s poem. I’ve read this
before, love it, and couldn’t believe how perfectly
it resonated. So I was inspired to write my own version,
but since the idea and wording are similar, I wanted
to cite the author.***

The Right Time

Within the four walls
memories stir, the smell
of cologne remains
poignant, the sound of
laughter echoes a favorite
tune, tears struggle to
be set free.

The closet’s belly stays 
nearly full after six months’
worth 
of grieving. Clothes
hang 
proudly as if he’ll
search 
for the right shirt
and matching 
pants for the
day’s 
activities, all hoping
to be 
chosen for the outing.
Shoes sit tightly for their
next walk like dogs eagerly
awaiting their master’s call.

Some belongings have
warmed 
the backs of those
in need. But 
emotion’s pull is
firm, so to surrender
 all
feels like a balloon slipping
through fingers, escaping
into the big blue, slowly
fading away…

Lauren Scott © 2018

 

Motherhood

You are little now,
unable to understand
my deepest feelings

Emotions overwhelm me
when I hold you,
when I see your tiny lips
form your biggest smile,
when I hear you laugh
it’s a joyous melody,
when I hear you cry
it’s a heartbreak to bear

I want to protect you
but I’m not in control
Life will bring adventures
meant only for you –
I’ll have to let go

I’ll marvel, though, in each
new change as you grow

I may be your mommy now
but I’ll always be your
Mom
Loving you more each day
as time takes you away
so you can fly
and realize your
own life

Lauren Scott © 

(It seems like a hundred years ago 
when I wrote this, when I first
became a mom. It was the most
wonderful feeling. I felt like I was
walking on clouds. I still feel this
way even now that my kids are
in their twenties. They have been
the biggest miracle in my life, along
with my husband, and I’m beyond
grateful. I hope you enjoy these words
from 
back when.) 💕