Compromised

On By Lauren Scott, AuthorIn Poetry

Dear Friends,

I had every intention to read blogs this past weekend, to ‘get caught up’ as we all say often. But last week I received a new diagnosis and the symptoms decided to bark loudly instead over the weekend. Concentration was far from reachable, but I took advantage of moments when the symptoms rested, and that’s when I put thoughts to paper in my journal. Please know that my transparency is not for sympathy. If you recall, I shared about a health issue that began last year, well, this is new, but the doctor thinks it’s all connected – ten months later, the big picture has changed. So, below is my catharsis in the form of a haibun (or similar to one with an extra haiku):

Compromised

The rain and wind collaborate for a stormy Sunday. I look through the window, a deluge of raindrops plummet to the street and lawns, and the tall oaks and firs bend unnaturally. Inside, the house feels safe and warm, but this new presence feels like a knife in the gut. What used to be an infrequent timeline is now an everyday visit. What used to be mild is now moderate, or sometimes, severe. A relationship I don’t care to nurture. Pain closes in, becoming more intimate, but not the intimacy that makes my heart skip a beat. No, this type, and where it could lead, paralyzes because fear sidles up beside it. A duo not to be reckoned with. Cancer hasn’t knocked on my door, nor has a death sentence. But the ability to walk long distances or hike on a mountain trail, slips through my fingers like tiny grains of sand.

My body feels broken – not fully – but broken – because my feet and legs take the brunt. I miss the ‘me’ I used to be. And then there is sleep, or lack thereof because of throbbing and/or electric shocks, thieves in the night that rob me of those dream-filled deep slumbers. The persistence is like a doorbell gone wild. Negative thoughts push their way in for the spiraling, mirroring the stormy weather, but my inhale and exhale create a brick wall – blocking them from breaking me more. Although, no easy ‘fix’ heads my way, so each day I struggle to keep hope beside me. Focus on what I can do, they say. I try. Ask questions. Get answers. My mindset waivers, but the support encircling me helps keep my sky blue.

an MRI shows
narrowing from wear and tear
nerves agitated

he says it’s common
not comforting to body
spinal stenosis

(I’m exploring all treatment options, such as injections, meds, surgery,
physical therapy, etc.)

I don’t know how this week will go or how much time I’ll spend blogging, but I’m hoping for quiet nerves. The weekend was yesterday; today is a new day. I also hope to get answers to many questions this week.
Please know that I appreciate you all!

Love and hugs, Lauren ❤️🙏

© Lauren Scott, Baydreamerwrites.com – All rights reserved.

A collection of poems about nature,
love, and the mysteries of life.
Click on the image to purchase your copy.
Thank you! 💚


111 thoughts on “Compromised”

  3. Dear Lauren,

    I am so sorry to hear about your health problems! The only consolation is that you are in the most developed country in the world, and you will be able to have help in getting better.

    You have explained beautifully everything, and moved me, many hugs, and my love to you, Lauren,

    Joanna xx

  4. So sorry to hear you’re in pain, Lauren. My mom had spinal stenosis and she suffered pain very similar to what you’re experiencing. Her entire back was a mess, though, with titanium from her neck to her tailbone (four surgeries), and stenosis was only one aspect of her back issues. Here’s wishing you a respite from pain, as well as questions answered and a clear path ahead to combat and alleviate what ails you. And no worries about reading or responding to blog posts. We understand. Your health is the the most important thing right now. We’ll be here when you feel you’re ready to return. Sending hope, peace and healing from sunny/chilly Colorado. :)

    1. Hi Mike, I’m trying to respond when the moments are good. So, thank you for all of your encouragement and kindness. You don’t know how much I appreciate you. I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s back issues though. I feel so bad for her because my case touches only a fraction of what she has endured, and mine is bad enough. Thank you for your wishes and understanding, my friend. By the way, CO is one state we’re considering retiring to if things don’t get in the way. OR or WA on our coast are the others. 🙂 Stay warm. ❤️

  9. I’m so sorry Lauren, I can’t imagine the frustration and maybe even mild panic, but that might be me imagining how I would feel. We’ve somehow arrived at an age where things are showing a lifetime of wear. It means we covered long distances, stretched ourselves, lived with arms wide open but our bodies have a language all their own. Don’t they. Sending prayers your way my friend. Hugs, C

    1. Even your comments are poetic and beautiful, Cheryl.
      I have had my panicky moments, and those are when the ‘what if’s’ enter my thoughts. I can’t go there though. So I talk to my doctor today about treatment options. Thanks for the prayers and hugs. ❤️

  11. Oh… my dearest Lauren, I remember the issues a few months ago. Sounds like they’re all connected. Taking the positive side of things, it’s as if the real problem is revealing itself so that you may heal it completely. Here’s to quiet nerves, healing and blue skies. Lots of hugs your way and positive thoughts. Focus on healing! Love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    1. You’re right, Marina, and it took almost a year. Last night was good and today I talk to my doctor, so I’m eager to start some form of treatment so I can feel human again. Thanks for your healing words, my friend. Hugs and love to you. 🩷🌷🩷🙏🏻

  12. HI Lauren, I am so sorry to read this. On going pain is very debilitating. I have lived with chronic pain for years and years. I hope the potential treatments you’ve listed will help you. Sending you love and light.

    1. Thanks so much, Robbie. I’m sorry to hear about your chronic pain too. How do you mange the pain? I had a better night and today I talk to my doctor, so I’m eager to start treatment. It only took almost a year to find the root cause. The love and light are appreciated. ❤️

  13. Sending you much love and Healing prayers Lauren.. Look after YOU my friend… that is all that counts.. and sometimes these illnesses come to slow us down and make us nurture ourselves more… We will be here when you next feel able to post..
    Lots of love xx and Hugs your way x ❤

    1. Thanks for your love and understanding, Sue. Last night was a good one and I talk to my doctor today, so I’m eager to begin treatment. I think my case is mild, but I’d hate to imagine a more severe case. Hugs and love to you and be well, my friend. 🩷💕🙏🏻

  14. Hi Lauren! Not a fun way to spend last week, in such awful pain! I am sending the biggest hug, virtually to you! I’ll pray the symptoms will ease up for you and you’ll have answers to some of your questions this week. Xoxo

  15. Oh No.. Lauren, I’m soooo sorry. A diagnosis we never want to hear. Sending hugs and love. At least you have a diagnosis which is the pits but you can work with it.. I hope.. x💕

    1. Thanks, Cindy, and you’re right, at least the root cause is known and today I should get some answers. Unfortunately, this is not fixable, like replacing a hip. But I think the progression is slow with treatment. I talk to my doctor today. Hope you are well, my friend. Oh the joys of getting older. ❤️🙏🏻

  17. My first thought Lauren . . . awe. Simple awe that even in your struggle, your creativity still comes shining through. Me? I would be having a good ole temper tantrum. I applaud you for writing it out and looking to your creativity to fight through this challenge. Praying for answers to your questions. In addition, sending positive thoughts and prayers your way to overcome this challenge!!!!!

    1. Thanks for your kind words about my writing, Brian. Thank God for creative outlets. Believe me, I’ve had my low moments, but I can’t stay in those places. I should get answers today. And I appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts. Stay well, my friend. ❤️

  18. So sorry to hear you’ve been in pain. Have you tried marijuana for pain relief and sleep? Also, I so enjoyed your book. I finally added a short review on Amazon.

    1. Thanks so much, Mary. I do try gummies for sleep when I need it and they help. Today I talk to my doctor so I’ll find out about treatment. Last night was good and I am grateful. This morning is good so far. And then learning that you enjoyed my book makes me feel good. I appreciate your review and will check it out today. Thanks again. ❤️🙏🏻

  20. Oh my dear Lauren, this is so heart-wrenching to read. 😞 My thoughts are with you my friend. My intercessory prayers are lifting you up. Take care and stay encouraged, even though I know that sounds easier said than done. 🙏🏽 Even though your body wants to say one thing, you continue to keep that fighting spirit that you have. Peace & Blessings! 🥰💖😘✨🤗

    1. Thanks for your encouragement and prayers, Kym. I finished your amazing book and so many of your poems resonated and have helped me. I’m slow in writing a review, but it will come in the next month. 5 stars ⭐️ for sure. Thanks for cheering me on. I think my case is mild, so I can’t imagine a severe case. Hugs and love 🩷🙏🏻🌷

      1. Oh bless you Lauren! 🙏🏽 First of all, continue getting better, ok? 😍 Next, thank you so very much for reading my book. You have no idea, or maybe you do, of how much your kindness and generosity means to me. Don’t worry about your review. I just want my Lauren to get better soon. I’m happy to hear it is not as severe as it could have been! Hugs and smooches to you! 🥰💖🤗💐😘

      2. The last 2 days have been quiet, a good thing. And I decided on treatment, so fingers crossed, they will help once I begin. And you’re so welcome. I absolutely LOVED your book! And I will do a review, but I also appreciate your compassion and cheering me on. The bright side is that it’s not cancer. It’s treatable, so moving onward. Hugs and smooches! xoxoxoxoxoxo

      3. Praise God Lauren. Yes my friend, there is a bright side to all of this and things are looking up. Stay encouraged. Hope is ever-present. Thanks so much for reading my book. I am truly humbled and grateful! 🥰🙏🏽😊

  21. I hope you find relief soon from all the medical options you’re pursuing. My dad is 92 and has so much pain. He has injections every few months and it helps him along with PT.

    1. Thanks, Elizabeth. My dad also had it in his late eighties but he didn’t have much pain. So I think it’s genetic, but I feel young at 62 (in my mind) to be dealing with this although it’s in the sixties when it can begin. I’ll get answers today and last night was better. One day at a time. Thanks again. 💕🙏🏻

      1. My dad has golfed since he was a child. His back pain is a result of that. He takes cortisone shots and does physical therapy to help with strength and balance. I’m a year older than you and thankfully don’t have back pain. My husband is a few years older and he’s experiencing back pain now. He played football, so I think it’s because of that. I think a lot of pain can be related to activities we’ve done. I hope you continue to feel better.

      2. I agree about activities. I’ve always been a walker, tennis player, and hiker and backpacker in the last 7 years. Also wear and tear. Sigh. My doctor has mentioned the epidurals. I hope for the same for your dad and your husband. The joys of aging. Take care and thanks for sharing. 💕

  22. Beautiful poem in such a challenging time, Lauren. I really latched onto the phrase, “Inside, the house feels safe and warm…” May that comfort and constancy help you along as you explore options. Sending healing vibes your way…

    1. Aww, thanks for the kind words, Steve, and for helping me focus on the safe and warm. One day at a time and today I’ll get some answers. I’m sorry I’m missing so many posts, but I hope to do some blogging soon. Stay well. ❤️🙏🏻

  24. Lauren, really sorry to hear about the spinal stenosis. I hope you’ll be able to get the very best treatment possible for the pain. (I have a dear old friend with a similar condition and she swears by water aerobics along with massage – and everything doctors recommend.) Will be thinking of you! Love and hugs to you. ❤️❤️

    1. Thanks, Betty, and it brightens my day to see you here. I think my case is mild, but wow! Can’t imagine a worse case. I’m talking to my doctor today so I should find out about treatments. Thanks for the suggestions and love and hugs. I hope you’re doing well too! Hugs and love to you. ❤️🙏🏻❤️

  26. Yes, the body begins to protest as we get older. My doctor calls it wear and tear which doesn’t solve the problem. Physio helps me and make sure you continue to exercise even though it hurts. That’s very important.

    1. Thanks for your suggestions, Ian. Movement is the main goal and I’m fine with cycling, but walking hurts. I should get answers today when I talk to my doctor. I still feel young at 62, so it’s frustrating. But it’s this decade when our bodies usually begin to bark. 🙂 Thanks for sharing…

  27. Wishing you all the best, Lauren. Hopefully you’ll feel better and it won’t be more than the usual ageing and its annoyances. I know someone who is living with this problem and with stretches and taking care of herself (eating sensibly and exercising carefully) she has managed for many, many years and is still managing to enjoy life. I hope that will be the case with you too.

    1. Thanks so much for the wishes and hope, Anneli. I think my case is mild even though the pain has been intense. But last night was good, so I’m thankful for the good moments and days. I talk with my doctor this morning, so I’ll find out about treatments. I’m almost 63, but sometimes, I feel like I’m 90 and it’s not a good feeling. But this morning is also one of those good moments. So I’m trying to catch up on comments. Thanks again. ❤️

  28. My friend, in the depth of pain your writing is as beautiful and melodic as ever, capturing the being of your agony, your emotions and thoughts. You must miss the wonder of your walks, the freedom to move as you wish, dreadfully. My heart goes out to you.

    Many years ago I suffered with two slipped discs and for over a year barely able to walk, lift anything, sleep or even sit. I feel for you so much, the pain is all-consuming and yet hidden.

    Lauren, I’m sending hugs galore to you and hope a way forward for you is found soon, away from the debilitating pain. With much love, Annika xx 🤗💕

    1. Hi Annika, thanks so much for your compassion. I hope that once I begin some form of treatment I’ll be able to walk more. And I’m sorry to hear about your slipped discs. It’s been almost a year since this adventure began for me. And I know you can understand what it feels like then. But I’m so glad you have healed. For now, cycling is my movement of choice and it doesn’t cause pain. So I’m keeping up the stretches and exercise. And today I’ll talk with my doctor so I should get some answers. Last night was good and this morning is good too, so one moment, one day at a time. I appreciate the hugs, hope, and love. Love to you xoxo

    1. Thanks, Mark. I appreciate that. I should get answers today, and this morning I’m feeling a little better. Sigh. The joys of getting older, I guess. But it’s not cancer, so there is the silver lining. Take good care.

  31. Dear Lauren, take care of yourself it’s what matters.

    And I hope you will soon have answers to you questions and the pain will ease or you’ll find a way to ease it.

    Sending you much much love 💙

  33. Sorry to read of your physical challenges that are keeping you from experiencing all that you enjoy. Your ability to write through it is inspiring and your writing is beautiful. 🌻

    1. Thanks for your comforting words, Michele. Writing is a good way to free the emotions. And I don’t want sympathy, but maybe others have wise words, or maybe I can help someone else by sharing. Anyway, I’ll get some answers today, and so far, this morning has been good. One day at a time. Take good care. 🩷

  35. Zeenahmuhammad's avatar Zeenahmuhammad

    O. M. G. So sorry to hear about your health issues, I wish you a speedy recovery. Praying that you get the answers you are looking for. Much love from this side

  36. Oh, Lauren. Your haibun is a touching way to give us an update on your health issues and how they’re affecting you physically and emotionally. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles, glad to know you’re breathing through it and seeking options. My husband also suffers from spinal stenosis, and though all cases are unique, I can relate a little bit to what you’re going through. My thoughts are with you, and I’m sending light and love your way.

    1. Thanks for your comforting words, Diana, and I’m sorry to hear that your husband suffers with stenosis too. Does he do any treatments? I’m going to try the epidural for the stenosis and a med for the foot nerve pain. I guess I’ll finally have to concede after last weekend. The last 2 days have been better though, so it’s about feeling grateful for those good moments or days. I’m sure once I begin treatment, things will improve, fingers crossed. The love and light are appreciated too. Hugs ❤️

      1. I don’t think his is quite as severe as yours, Lauren, though he’s had it for a long time – mostly back aches and some leg pain. His muscles try to compensate which leads to debilitating muscle spasms. (He’s over weight, which doesn’t help at all.) He takes muscle relaxers when it gets bad and he gets acupuncture and massage treatments weekly. It seems to me that stenosis is very individual, so keep advocating for yourself. I hope that your docs can come up with a plan that works for you and returns some of your mobility. Hugs.

  37. Wow, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can imagine how stressful it must be mentally and how difficult it must be physically. I hope you’re able to research all the options and work with your doctor/s to find the best way to move forward. I truly hope you are able to heal quickly.

    1. Hi Pooja, thanks so much for your kind words and wishes. I’m starting treatment soon, so I hope it helps tremendously. This week has been better, and I’m grateful for the ‘better’ moments, days, and nights. One day at a time. ❤️

  38. So sorry to hear about your health problems. I hope you find ways to manage or ways around it. Everything will be okay if you keep going. A bit of awareness about what’s going on.

  40. I am so sorry to hear this, dear Lauren. I hope that the treatments you envision will be of help. Stay strong and hopeful and even throw in a dose of gratitude for all that is good in your life. I am sending a prayer for your healing your way. xxx

    1. Thanks for your compassion, Carol. This past weekend was ‘quiet’ so I’m thankful for the miracle of pain-free moments/hours/days. 🙂 And I’m hopeful about the treatment, but time will tell. I appreciate your prayer. Hugs xo

  41. Dear Lauren,

    My thoughts are with you as you traverse this new terrain. You are brave, as you share this. In the end it will benefit you in many ways: treatment ideas from those in the same boat, encouragement, emotional support and unadulterated warmth and love.

    Keep writing!

    This is not about me, but I want you to know that even though I’m bad at sharing these things, I too have BS going on with my body. Aging sucks! It’s not our faults.

    Sending love! Resa xoxoxo

    1. Thanks for everything, Resa! You’re always so encouraging and supportive, and I always feel calmer after reading your comments. The pain has been less intense the last week so that makes for a calmer mindset.
      One day at a time, and I hope your BS isn’t intense! Yes, aging sucks, but it beats the alternative as long as we can still enjoy life. Love and hugs to you, dear friend! ❤️🌸🙏🏻🩷💐🌻💕💝🩵🌹🌺

      1. Dear Lauren,
        I’m glad you’re feeling calmer.
        Like yours, my BS fluctuates.
        Yes, the important thing is that we are still getting something out of life. I think blogging is one of those things, as is writing, music…all of the arts.
        And finding new things. (I think I found something!!! – I’ll know soon!)
        ❤️🌸🙏🏻🩷💐🌻💕💝🩵🌹🌺
        The return of. the emojis!!!

      2. Hi Resa, I’m glad yours fluctuates and isn’t with you all the time. And I agree about blogging and the arts. I’ll catch up with your blog soon too. I think my emojis work again also. Wishing you a wonderful day! ❤️🤗🥰😁🤣🦋🎶🥂🌺

  42. I’m so sorry to hear you are unwell, Lauren! Back pain is relentless, particularly in the spine. Hubby and I both have issues and have found sourcing anti-inflammatory foods has helped. I will be keeping you in my prayers. ❤️

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